PRESSED THE SHOTGUN
OF PLASTIC AND FIBER INTO MY HANDS AND SHOWED ME HOW TO
SHOOT
TO SCRUB THE CRACKED WHITE BOARDS
OF THE WALL LEADING UP THE STAIRS.
A STAIN I HAD NEVER NOTICED
ON HER FAVORITE STEP
RIGHT WHERE HER TAIL WOULD THWUMP-THWUMP-THWUMP
AGAINST THE WALL
WHENEVER I ASKED - “OUTSIDE”, OR “WALK”, OR “TREAT?”
AND NOT FOR LONG ANYHOW-
BEFORE SHE RAN TO ME JUMPING,
WILD AND SNAPPISH.
I LOVED DAKOTA SELFISHLY
AND TRIED TO MAKE HER SOMETHING SHE WAS NOT-
BOUGHT HER BEDS
AND PAT THE COUCH
IN A BID TO MAKE HER SIT WITH ME
BUT SHE WAS NOT A BED-SLEEPER, OR A COUCH-SITTER
SHE WAS A RUNNER. SHE RAN
AROUND THE YARD, TRIED TO HERD ME AND MY SIBLINGS
TO ONE SIDE
PUPPY LIPS CURLING BACK NIPPING AT BABY
ANKLES NEVER EVER
DRAWING BLOOD
AT THE END SHE COULDN’T WALK
THAT’S WHEN WE FINALLY MADE THE CALL
SHE HAD BEEN DEMENTED FOR YEARS BY THAT POINT
HALF BLIND, HALF DEAF,
PICKY EATER.
MAMA WAS MICROWAVING KIBBLE WITH STEAK FAT AND GRAVY
FOR MONTHS
JUST TO GET HER TO EAT
THE STEAK FAT AND GRAVY
AND IGNORE ALL THOSE LITTLE BROWN DOTS
BUT WHEN SHE WOKE UP THAT MORNING
IN THE GREY DAWN OF JANUARY IT WAS OVER
REALLY IT HAD BEEN OVER FOR YEARS BY THEN
SHE DIDN’T RUN
DOWN THE STAIRS ANYMORE SLAMMING
HER BODY, SICK WITH MOMENTUM SIDEWAYS
INTO THE FRONT DOOR
DIDN’T GO OUTSIDE
EXCEPT TO PUTT AROUND
OLD LADY LOOKIN’ FOR A PLACE TO PEE
IT WAS SUCH A SICK NECROMANCY
TO COME HOME AND SEE THAT OLD DOG
ALIVE
LAYING ON THE STAIRS
LOOKING AT NOTHING
I WENT 80 THAT DAY
SPENT THREE HOURS IN MY CAR
DRIVING TO FETCH MY SISTER AND BRING HER HOME
NOT CRYING
WE WEREN’T GOOD OWNERS
WEREN’T FIT FOR A DOG
HER BREED,
HER SIZE
SHE WAS POORLY TRAINED HOWLING RUNNING JUMPING ON THE GUESTS SPRINTING OUT THE DOOR BIT THE LAWN GUY ONCE
HE WAS VERY FORGIVING
GOOD DOG
BAD DOG
GOOD DOG
WE LOVED HER
ALL SIXTY AWFUL HOWLING POUNDS OF AUSSIE-COLLIE
I HAD TOLD THEM I COULDN’T BEAR HER DYING SCARED
I COULDN’T TAKE IT
WANTED ONE OF THOSE SERVICES TO COME TO THE HOUSE
AND LET HER GO RIGHT ON THE STAIRS
BUT IT WAS $800, AND I DIDN’T HAVE $800,
AND THE VET WOULD DO IT FOR ONE-FIFTY
SO WE WENT TO THE VET
IT TOOK ALL THREE OF US
(ME, MY BROTHER, MY SISTER)
TO CARRY HER IN
I HAD HOPED
LIKE SOME OTHER DOGS SHE WOULD BE CALM
KNOW WHY WE WERE THERE THAT IT WAS ALL THE MERCY WE COULD STAND
BUT SHE WAS SO FUCKING SCARED
SHE HAD ALWAYS HATED THE VET AND
NOW SHE COULDN’T TUCK HER TAIL OR
TUG ON THE LEASH OR RUN OUT
TRIUMPHANT
BUT I SAW IT
SHE JUST LAID THERE
EVERYONE HAD TOLD ME-
IT’LL BE FAST
THEY’RE HERE ONE SECOND,
AND THEN THAT NEEDLE GOES IN
AND THEN THERE’S NOTHING WHERE A DOG USED TO BE
I WANTED SO SO BADLY TO SEE THE EXACT MOMENT SHE LEFT
BUT THE TRUTH IS I COULDN’T TELL
MY HANDS WERE PRESSED DEEP TO HER CHEST
FLUSH AGAINST THE WHITE FUR OF HER UNDERSIDE
SEARCHING FOR A HEARTBEAT SO I COULD FEEL IT
STOP
BUT I NEVER FOUND IT
AND IT WAS SO SO QUIET AND
THE VET LEFT TO “GIVE US A MOMENT”
AND MY DAD SAID, DAMN DOG VOICE BREAKING
DAMN DOG
I KISSED HER SWEET TERRIBLE FOREHEAD
FELT THE SOFT FUR BEHIND HER EARS
TOOK OFF HER FADED PINK COLLAR
AND
LEFT
HER
BODY
THERE
I DON’T KNOW WHY THEY DIDN’T PAY FOR HER CREMAINS
OR FOR US TO TAKE HER HOME
BURY HER IN THE BACKYARD WHERE ALL THE DAFODILLS BLOOM IN FEBRUARY
I JUST GOT IN MY CAR AND
THE ONLY THING WORSE THAN WATCHING
YOUR BEST FRIEND DIE
IS HAVING NOWHERE TO TAKE YOUR GREIF
NO GRAVE TO LIE OVER.
WHEN WE PUT HER DOWN THE SECOND TIME
A YEAR LATER
MAMA GAVE ME A BUCKET OF WATER
AND A SCRUB-BRUSH
AND I WASHED IT ALL AWAY
THE WET SPOT WHERE HER NOSE BRUSHED THE WALL
THE DIRT FROM HER WAGGING TAIL
ALL THE LITTLE RESIDUAL MARKS OF ONCE DOG, NOW NOTHING
AND I WONDERED WHY I ONLY EVER HAVE THE WORDS FOR SOMETHING
AFTER IT RUNS OUT OF MY LIFE
TAIL WAGGING