PRESSED THE SHOTGUN OF PLASTIC AND FIBER INTO MY HANDS AND SHOWED ME HOW TO SHOOT TO SCRUB THE CRACKED WHITE BOARDS OF THE WALL LEADING UP THE STAIRS. A STAIN I HAD NEVER NOTICED ON HER FAVORITE STEP RIGHT WHERE HER TAIL WOULD THWUMP-THWUMP-THWUMP AGAINST THE WALL WHENEVER I ASKED - “OUTSIDE”, OR “WALK”, OR “TREAT?” AND NOT FOR LONG ANYHOW- BEFORE SHE RAN TO ME JUMPING, WILD AND SNAPPISH. I LOVED DAKOTA SELFISHLY AND TRIED TO MAKE HER SOMETHING SHE WAS NOT- BOUGHT HER BEDS AND PAT THE COUCH IN A BID TO MAKE HER SIT WITH ME BUT SHE WAS NOT A BED-SLEEPER, OR A COUCH-SITTER SHE WAS A RUNNER. SHE RAN AROUND THE YARD, TRIED TO HERD ME AND MY SIBLINGS TO ONE SIDE PUPPY LIPS CURLING BACK NIPPING AT BABY ANKLES NEVER EVER DRAWING BLOOD AT THE END SHE COULDN’T WALK THAT’S WHEN WE FINALLY MADE THE CALL SHE HAD BEEN DEMENTED FOR YEARS BY THAT POINT HALF BLIND, HALF DEAF, PICKY EATER. MAMA WAS MICROWAVING KIBBLE WITH STEAK FAT AND GRAVY FOR MONTHS JUST TO GET HER TO EAT THE STEAK FAT AND GRAVY AND IGNORE ALL THOSE LITTLE BROWN DOTS BUT WHEN SHE WOKE UP THAT MORNING IN THE GREY DAWN OF JANUARY IT WAS OVER REALLY IT HAD BEEN OVER FOR YEARS BY THEN SHE DIDN’T RUN DOWN THE STAIRS ANYMORE SLAMMING HER BODY, SICK WITH MOMENTUM SIDEWAYS INTO THE FRONT DOOR DIDN’T GO OUTSIDE EXCEPT TO PUTT AROUND OLD LADY LOOKIN’ FOR A PLACE TO PEE IT WAS SUCH A SICK NECROMANCY TO COME HOME AND SEE THAT OLD DOG ALIVE LAYING ON THE STAIRS LOOKING AT NOTHING I WENT 80 THAT DAY SPENT THREE HOURS IN MY CAR DRIVING TO FETCH MY SISTER AND BRING HER HOME NOT CRYING WE WEREN’T GOOD OWNERS WEREN’T FIT FOR A DOG HER BREED, HER SIZE SHE WAS POORLY TRAINED HOWLING RUNNING JUMPING ON THE GUESTS SPRINTING OUT THE DOOR BIT THE LAWN GUY ONCE HE WAS VERY FORGIVING GOOD DOG BAD DOG GOOD DOG WE LOVED HER ALL SIXTY AWFUL HOWLING POUNDS OF AUSSIE-COLLIE I HAD TOLD THEM I COULDN’T BEAR HER DYING SCARED I COULDN’T TAKE IT WANTED ONE OF THOSE SERVICES TO COME TO THE HOUSE AND LET HER GO RIGHT ON THE STAIRS BUT IT WAS $800, AND I DIDN’T HAVE $800, AND THE VET WOULD DO IT FOR ONE-FIFTY SO WE WENT TO THE VET IT TOOK ALL THREE OF US (ME, MY BROTHER, MY SISTER) TO CARRY HER IN I HAD HOPED LIKE SOME OTHER DOGS SHE WOULD BE CALM KNOW WHY WE WERE THERE THAT IT WAS ALL THE MERCY WE COULD STAND BUT SHE WAS SO FUCKING SCARED SHE HAD ALWAYS HATED THE VET AND NOW SHE COULDN’T TUCK HER TAIL OR TUG ON THE LEASH OR RUN OUT TRIUMPHANT BUT I SAW IT SHE JUST LAID THERE EVERYONE HAD TOLD ME- IT’LL BE FAST THEY’RE HERE ONE SECOND, AND THEN THAT NEEDLE GOES IN AND THEN THERE’S NOTHING WHERE A DOG USED TO BE I WANTED SO SO BADLY TO SEE THE EXACT MOMENT SHE LEFT BUT THE TRUTH IS I COULDN’T TELL MY HANDS WERE PRESSED DEEP TO HER CHEST FLUSH AGAINST THE WHITE FUR OF HER UNDERSIDE SEARCHING FOR A HEARTBEAT SO I COULD FEEL IT STOP BUT I NEVER FOUND IT AND IT WAS SO SO QUIET AND THE VET LEFT TO “GIVE US A MOMENT” AND MY DAD SAID, DAMN DOG VOICE BREAKING DAMN DOG I KISSED HER SWEET TERRIBLE FOREHEAD FELT THE SOFT FUR BEHIND HER EARS TOOK OFF HER FADED PINK COLLAR AND LEFT HER BODY THERE I DON’T KNOW WHY THEY DIDN’T PAY FOR HER CREMAINS OR FOR US TO TAKE HER HOME BURY HER IN THE BACKYARD WHERE ALL THE DAFODILLS BLOOM IN FEBRUARY I JUST GOT IN MY CAR AND THE ONLY THING WORSE THAN WATCHING YOUR BEST FRIEND DIE IS HAVING NOWHERE TO TAKE YOUR GREIF NO GRAVE TO LIE OVER. WHEN WE PUT HER DOWN THE SECOND TIME A YEAR LATER MAMA GAVE ME A BUCKET OF WATER AND A SCRUB-BRUSH AND I WASHED IT ALL AWAY THE WET SPOT WHERE HER NOSE BRUSHED THE WALL THE DIRT FROM HER WAGGING TAIL ALL THE LITTLE RESIDUAL MARKS OF ONCE DOG, NOW NOTHING AND I WONDERED WHY I ONLY EVER HAVE THE WORDS FOR SOMETHING AFTER IT RUNS OUT OF MY LIFE TAIL WAGGING