WHILE DRIVING I REALIZED THAT IF YOU WEREN’T DEAD
I WOULD BE LIVING CLOSER TO YOU THAN TO MY FAMILY
AND I TRIED TO STOP IMAGINING SOMETHING DIFFERENT
AFTER YOU DIED MY GRANDMA ASKED
IF I WAS IN LOVE WITH YOU
AND I LAUGHED AT HER
YOU WERE MY BROTHER
MY EIGHTEEN-YEAR-OLD BROTHER
IS OLDER NOW
THAN YOU EVER WERE
I STILL VISIT YOUR FAMILY BUT YOUR BROTHER
CHANGED TOO MUCH DOESN’T WEAR
YOUR FACE ANYMORE
THAT FIRST TIME I KEPT HEARING YOUR LAUGH AND
TURNING AROUND AND SEEING
YOU FOR JUST A SECOND AND THE
WORST PART IS HE HAD TO HAVE KNOWN
EXACTLY WHAT I WAS SEEING
IN HIS BODY
THE SLOPE OF HIS POSTURE LEANING OVER
YOUR GUITAR
SINKING INTO THE COUCH
THE LAMP BEHIND HIM
WASHING HIM IN LIGHT SHINING
THROUGH HIS HAIR SO SIMILAR TO YOURS COVERING HIS EYES
HUMMING
SINGING
AND YOU WERE THERE BARELY AUDIBLE FOR A MOMENT
SINGING ALONG
AND HE KNEW GOD DAMN IT HE KNEW THERES NO WAY HE DIDN’T
NOBODY IN THAT FAMILY COULD GO IN THAT ROOM AFTER WHAT YOU DID AND I CANNOT GET MAD AT YOU I TRY TO GET MAD AT YOU I CANNOT GET MAD AT YOU GOD DAMN IT.
ON SATURDAY YOUR FATHER
SO GENTLE SHOWS ME CARD TRICKS
HOLDS UP A DECK AND I KNOW BEFORE HE SAYS IT, THIS WAS SAMS. I’M NOT SURE IF HE EVER BROUGHT IT TO SCHOOL. IF YOU EVER PLAYED CARDS AT LUNCH. WHAT WAS THE ONE HE LIKED CALLED? EGYPTIAN RAT SLAP. AND SO QUIETLY I AM HOLDING THE DECK OF CARDS THAT ARE SO VIOLENTLY YOURS THE ROOM SPINS FLIP THEM OVER FEEL THEIR WEIGHT HE ASKS, IS THIS YOUR CARD? AND IT IS
ON SATURDAY IN YOUR KITCHEN
I WATCH YOUR MOM FORM THE SYLLABLES
PRESS HER MOUTH TO THE WORDS, BEFORE SAM DIED. BEFORE SAM DIED. THERE IS NO HESITATION NO INTAKE OF BREATH NO BREAK IN HER VOICE
IT IS SMOOTH CLEAR AND EVEN. BEFORE SAM DIED. SHE PUTS DINNER IN THE OVEN AND TELLS ME HER HOUSE IS WITHOUT CHILDREN FOR THE FIRST TIME IN TWENTY-FOUR YEARS.